I told my parents today that my wife and I separated two and a half months ago. It was a conversation I wasn’t willing to have until now. Actually, I haven’t really told many people so far. Fair enough, my friends and the people I see every day, they know. The word spreads around. But family and friends in Germany, I haven’t told. I think only two friends, maybe. Doesn’t even matter. Anyways, I was on the phone with my parents and they were excited to talk to me and catch up. At first, I thought, I wasn’t gonna tell them today, because they seemed super happy and I didn’t wanna crush their vibe. Then my dad asked me how the live as a married man was and I was like, ‘Well… over’. Of course, it was shocking to them and a bit upsetting. They have been married for over 35 years or so. Different generation. I mean, I’m also still married, just split.
However, she said she wanted to get divorced which is cool with me. It won’t make a difference. It’s just paperwork. Commitment doesn’t come through pieces of paper. Commitment comes from the inside. Even though this relationship didn’t work out, it taught me a lot about myself and especially about commitment. When you completely commit yourself to something there is no way you’re not gonna get it. Don’t give up. Just do it. Failure is not an option. You either win or you learn. In this relationship I definitely learned a lot. I learned how much I was willing to give and take. If you’ve ever believed that giving is hard, I can tell you, receiving is much harder. People always talk about sharing. You have to share. Share with everybody. It’s so easy to share though. Your opinion, your time, your story... I think people have the most resistance towards sharing money. Wait, having said that…. maybe not. Maybe sharing your honest opinion is harder for most because it exposes who you really are. Some people pay a lot of money to hide who they really are. By the way, it’s 1.19am on a Tuesday morning. I’m sitting outside, drinking hot cacao with cinnamon, oat milk and a date floating in it. Can’t wait to eat that date at the end. Also, I’m listening to lofi. Am I a hipster? Fuck, I also have a mustache… arrrgg…whatever.
Ok, back to sharing. Yeh, sharing is easy. Receiving is the tough one. Think about it. Would you rather tell your wife that she is an asshole or would you prefer being told you are one? Either way, you’re up for a hell of a conversation. hahahha.
It’s interesting. I was so committed to this relationship; I knew every argument we had would eventually make us grow closer together. As long as you are honest and forgiving. You have to be honest and forgiving or you will dig a mental and emotional grave for yourself. Now, we are not together anymore and I have no expectations towards the future except for maybe one. I know that every time we have an argument, our relationship will be better at the end. I’m honest and forgiving with her and I know she is the same. Even if she wasn’t it wouldn’t affect me, because I’m in the clear with myself about it. Our relationship in terms of a marriage needed to end. It was time. Whatever the next chapter of this relationship is, will be better than what we had at the time we separated.
I’m done with the cacao. Gonna eat the date now…hang on. Oh shiiiiiit. It’s just soaked in goodness. Duuuuude… Ok. Back to this.
After my parent’s initial reaction, I explained to them the outline of why we split up and how it’s just life. I’m telling my parents (who are twice my age) that ‘life goes on’. Of course, they know, but they feel for me. I get it. I think it also must be difficult for them sometimes to comprehend with the life and lifestyle I’m living. Even though I haven’t travelled that much in the last 7 years, living on a small Indonesian island is means living in a fast-changing environment. People come and go every day, every week, every month, every year. You make friends and never see them again. When you decide to get into a relationship you get close very quickly. It’s just the type of environment. Small.
Man, thinking back now. Back to the first ‘girlfriend’ I had. Well, the first girl I considered my ‘girlfriend’ was when I was 15 I think. Yasmin. She was the first girl I kissed. The first I decided to kiss, to put it in better words. I pulled up the courage and went in for the lips after bitching out for at least a few weeks, I think. I remember how we met. It was a lunch break at school. I was in 8th grade and she was in 10th. Yeh, I know… hahah
I was outside (I think by myself) thinking ‘Man, I’ve never had a girlfriend’. So, I looked around for the girl I found most attractive. There she was. I looked at her and waited until she noticed me. As soon as she did, I waved at her. She waved back. Nice. That worked out perfect. For a few days we did just that. Whenever we saw each other we just stared into each other eyes and waved. Until one day when she came to me and said something like ‘Are you ever gonna talk to me?’. I can’t remember what I answered, but from then on, we started hanging out at school. After school we would walk together. Just for a few minutes though because I lived close. I had to take a turn and she had to carry on straight. So, for like an hour we would still talk at the intersection before we split. And every time I would just shake her hand to say goodbye, I think. Oh man, what a move. Smooth Jelly… so smooth. Ok, wait. Then one time her friends suggested we should all got to the movies together. So, we did. ‘Was tun wenn’s brennt?’ was the title. Anyways, we were sitting next to each other. Every now and then we would share at each other again. For minutes. Man, the signs were so obvious and I really wanted to kiss her, but to make that first move is crazy bro. The difference between having never kissed a girl for the first time and kissing a girl for the first time is huuuuge. Especially, when you have to make the first move. She wasn’t gonna do it. She was totally waiting for me to make that move. I think She had kissed somebody before though. I’m not sure anymore. Anyways, we left the cinema and started walking home. This walk was longer than the 3min walk after school each day. Maybe around 30 min. Eventually we arrive at the intersection. I had to take the turn and she had to go straight. She holds her hand out intending to shake mine and says ‘Ok, good night’. I looked into her eyes. I could see the disappointment of a person that was waiting for a kiss for way to long. Next thing, I pushed her hand out of the way and went in for the kill. Sweet, sweet victory. Hahah
The taste of post popcorn tongues on a Wednesday night. Delicious.
The story of how she also was the first one to touch my German bratwurst is a different story to tell at another time.
2.12am. Empty drink, mosquitos are buzzing and lofi is still creating a vibe.
Wow, I wouldn’t have expected to tell this story today, but hey, no expectations. Talking about no expectations. I think tomorrow I will have another interview for the podcast. So, stay tuned. Also, 1 band 2 stages is coming up and tickets are on sale already. Check out the link on the homepage. I just talked to my friend Agung from Bali, who is such a cool musician and live music performer. He’s a wizard on the loop station. He seems super keen on playing at the event. Fuck yeah.
Time for bed now.
Cya later.
Jelly
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